Mightiest Sorcerer of the Lands a.k.a. Rhinocerous
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: My house
Motorcycle: 04 Suzuki 600 GSX-AARRRRR!!!!!!
Devilman\'s Bar Rules
O.K, seeing as I've run clubs for just about ever, I thought I would help some of you guys out in enjoying your nights out with a little understanding of how things ACTUALLY are. There are a lot of myths and things that some need to get straight. From the "you must have smoked yourself retarded" to the "what in THE FUCK was that guy thinking" to the "he must be from planet what the fuck", I've seen just about all. So let's get some things straight that might help you from being cut off and enjoying your night a little more...
Birthday Drinks: This is a myth. There are NO laws on the book what so ever that requires bars or clubs to give you free drinks on your birthday. It's a common courtesy amongst bars, but not required. You go in demanding it and I can tell you unquestionably that you probably don't want to drink what you are being served.
Dart Players: Just because you throw a hat trick does not mean you get free shit. It's the same rule as the Birthday Drink. No law requires us to give it. However, dart players are under the assumption that it is a law and sometimes DEMAND it. That is never your best option.
Don't TELL The Staff Anything: Most good clubs will give you the impression that you call the shots. You're in charge. The reality of it though is you control nothing. We let you breathe the air you breathe. We afford you the privilege to sit there and pay premium prices for things without being beaten up or thrown in jail or both. Acting like you own the place is a good way to get both.
Whistling: This is a serious no-no. . Unless you are blind and your seeing eye dog has gone astray, don't whistle. Not ever. There is probably a good reason you feel the need to whistle. It's because you are being ignored for doing something equally stupid and by whistling just got yourself put further down the list of idiots not to pay attention to.
Tapping Things On The Bar To Get Attention: Again, not a good idea. The second people tap things on the bar is the second most folks in this business look for a vile of Visine for your drink. Yes, it only does take a drop of it, and no, you will not like the effect it has on you. Don't believe me? Try it. Just one drop and leave the bathroom door unlocked.
"Hook It Up" And "Make It Strong": This entices people in this business to short shot the fuck out of you. You might as well say "I would like to pay a lot of money for absolutely nothing." It's the same thing.
Figure Out What You Want BEFORE You Get To The Bar: Here's a classic example. "Gimme a bucket of beer." "Sure, what kind?" What kind do you have?" Well WHAT KIND DO YOU FUCKING DRINK!?! You don't know what kind of beer you want but you want a whole bucket of it!?! Or better yet, "Do you have Bud Lite?" "No, we're the only bar on the planet that doesn't. It's what we are famous for." Idiots...
Being Cut Off: Understand this. It happens to everyone not just you. Being polite about it is your only and best option. You will not convince anyone that you are not drunk. To try to do so only furthers the notion that you are wasted. No sober man, or woman, will walk a straight line, or try to touch his or her own nose, while sober. It's something that only drunks do.
Having Drinks Delivered To Good Looking Women: You are wasting your time. If they are that fine and you are that much of a loser that you can't bring it to them yourself, trust me when I tell you that you don't stand a chance. There is nothing mysterious about having a drink delivered and the women laugh when you do it.
a.) If the woman accepts the drink, they are NOT "there with you". It's not a bill of sale. They were thirsty, you bought, and they laughed, that's about it. Just because she accepts a beer from you does not mean she will accept your cock in her face later on.
b.) If said woman is with a guy and you insist upon being a jackass by buying her a drink send him one too. Most guys aren't so tempted to stomp you into a bloody pile of meat if you are providing free beer. Who knows? He might be just a friend of hers. And then again, he might be just looking for a place to stick his new knife. Don't be stupid... buy him a drink too.
Old Men: These are the most dangerous people in any given bar around the world. Why? Because they have been in bars, have danced that dance and have been doing this longer than most of us have been alive. You think in all those years they haven't figured out how to kill you with a coaster without spilling a drop of beer? Trust me; don't fuck with that old man at the bar. It's not his first rodeo.
Singing: It may sound good to you. To the rest of us that haven't been handed a bottle of tequila and a straw, you sound like the next guy that will make the spoofs of American Idol. Trust me, you sound like shit.
We Don't Care: If you've recently lost your wife or your dog has run away or vice versa, trust me when I tell you we don't care. We may nod empathetically and say things like "Man, really sorry to hear it" but in the end we just don't give a fuck and most likely will laugh the second you are gone. We're not psychologists. You want us to REALLY listen? Fork over $100 an hour and we'll tell you just how fucked up you really are.
Minors: When you try to get into a club, standing at the back of the line of your friends is a dead give away that you are a minor. You really can't hide. Oh, I know, you'll go to the bathroom, right? Uh huh... That only confirms the suspicion. Know that you risk other people’s lives when you drink under age and once caught, best thing to do is run if ever spotted on the street. We take it personally.
Tipping: It's not a city in China. If you can't afford to tip, you shouldn't be at a club or bar. Sit home and let your fat wife serve you. These people do it for a living.
The Waitresses And Bartenders: They are NOT going home with you. No matter how much money you give them, no matter what they might lead you on to believe, few of them find you attractive and even fewer have ANY notion of going home with you. We see thousands just like you every day. If you were so special, you wouldn't be there alone to begin with.
Her Tits: No, they are not real. Stop wondering. Even though you helped pay for them does not mean you get to see them, so stop asking.
Don't Ask: Don't ask for "girly drinks for your lady" in front of your lady. Fact is she can probably drink you under the table and most "girly drinks" these days will straighten your pubic hair. Let her order for herself and just be happy drinking that wimpy ol beer.
Tabs: Yes, you really did drink that much. No, it's not impossible. No, no one padded your tab. The reason you are questioning the tab is because you are fucked up. The reason you are fucked up is because you had all those drinks.
Never Say: "I'll catch you on the next round" and not tip. Most people I know in this business will also catch YOU on the next round.
"The Lean" And "The Three Fingered Beer Hold": "The Lean" is when you prop one arm on the bar while turned slightly as you scan the club for some play. This is a sure sign of a loser and women spot it a mile away. Ever notice, when you do this, that you never catch a woman looking AT YOU? They saw you do it; they won't even make eye contact after you've done this. Might as well pull your cock out now. The damage has been done. "The Three Fingered Beer Hold" is when guys hold the beer as it dangles from their hand. This neither looks cool nor is it an effective way to drink your beer.
Fighting: Contrary to belief, when you smack a beer bottle against a bar, you are the one that will most likely get cut if it breaks at all. Stop watching so many movies. In addition to this, the threat of "jumping the bar" to get a bartender is about as dumb a thing to say or try as I've ever seen. In over 12 years of doing this, no one has ever made it. What? You think the other 999 people in the bar are going to let you beat up the guy with all the booze? It's a sure fire way to get yourself killed. And when the Police show up, whom do you think they will believe? The sober guy who's working for a living? Or the drunk, bloody pulp, that "fell down" a few hundred times. There again, you have no witnesses. We have the booze. They will say what we want.
The Chick At The Bar: If she's not the bartender's girlfriend or wife, she is most likely a slut. Either way, when they tell you either, have full faith in that you leave them alone. If it's a slut and we tell you "She's a slut", take our word for it. Don't come back a few days later with a drippy, itchy, burning sensation and blame it on us. We told you, and you fucked her, not our fault.
Bachelor Parties: Any time one is seen, all the single guys boo. Now, I believe marriage to be punishment for shoplifting, but by booing ALL women will cross your name out of their roll-a-dex of people to potentially fuck tonight. They all secretly want to get married. Besides that, the guy getting married is probably sick of sitting next to YOU every night of the week and going home alone. Give the poor bastard a break. He's about to suffer enough as it is.
Watch My Beer: Uh, we're not beer-ba-sitters. You can't take your beer with you to take a piss? You have bigger problems than worrying that people will drop something in it. You're in more danger of the bartender doing something to it than anyone else if you've acted the ass.
Shots: Just because YOU think the flaming idiot shot is in order, doesn't mean anyone else has to take one with you. You drink what you drink and let your buddies drink what they drink. There is no law that states that everyone at the table must drink the same shot.
a.) If you drink pussy shots, like kamikazes, don't complain to the staff that your drink was weak. Reason being is that you got what you ordered. You don't like pussy shots? Don't order one.
Fuck Off: When the bartender tells you to go fuck yourself, your best bet is to go and fuck yourself. Whining to the Management usually does little to no good. We've all been there, we've all said it and almost every single guy in this business will back his staff on the decision for you to go fuck yourself. My common response is "Then why aren't you taking his advice? Go fuck yourself, you might like it." There is always a reason for them saying this and Drunky McRunamouth is in the wrong 99% of the time and deserves it. Don't be Drunky McRunamouth. Just go fuck yourself.
Begging: When you are cut off, you're cut off. Plain and Simple. Begging, pleading and even bribing does no good. It only makes us laugh.
a.) Once you have been cut off, don't try to suddenly "look sober". You might as well paint a smiley face on your ass and try to convince us you're talking out of your ass. Yeah, it's that obvious.
Tough Guy: Don't be one. If you would not like to be known as "the violent gay man in the bar", just don't be the tough guy. Because when you are, and a woman happens to ask about you, what do you think the staff tell her? Yup, you got it. You're an angry gay man.
I'm Not Driving: Some people believe this statement to be a trump card. Once they say it, you have no choice BUT to keep on serving them. Like they found some loophole in the Bar Laws or something. This only confirms that you are faded, and using a last ditch attempt. It never works.
What's The Strongest Shit You Have?: This comment makes most in this business cringe. We will grab a bottle of Schnapps that wouldn't get an infant drunk and even make the wincing face as you take the baby formula. You wanna drink gasoline? Find a gas station. Because if you're that stupid sober, man how we can't wait to get YOU wasted.
The Manager: We run the club, we are not pimps. You think this waitress or that waitress or this or that woman is hot? Go get 'em champ. But for the love of everything that is beer, stop asking us to hook you up with them. We know you're a dirt bag. She knows you're a dirt bag. I don't own these women I just employ them.
Here's a rule I would personally like to instate and have tried on occasion with utter failure: (But it was fun.) You actually get in good with one of my staff and knock 'em up? Great. YOU work their freakin shifts while they are gone on maternity. That's right sweetie. You fucked 'em, now you wear the dress. That'll keep your dick in your pants.
Chugging Or Shot Gunning Beer: Why not yell, "I have a flaming case of gonorrhea!? Because the second a woman sees you do that is the very second she decided you're a loser.
Arm Wrestling: Same thing as chugging. Go ahead and just kiss the guy you just arm-wrestled, because you won't be getting any play after that either. (I think Georgia Law differs here.)
The Whisper Yell: You know when you're really wasted in a bar and you see a guy like me and say, "Look... It's Jesus...Hahahahaaa!!" And then you suddenly find me in your face? It's not because I have super sonic hearing. It's because although you THOUGHT you were whispering that, you were actually yelling it in a wispy tone. Be aware of this. It happens a lot more than you think.
Time: This is something that is widely misunderstood. The bar closes at 2 a.m. yet you have 10 till 2 on your watch. You even find it necessary to show the staff. What you're missing is that we don't give a shit what your watch says. We don't HAVE to stay open until 2 a.m. it's called bar time. Deal with it, set your watch by it and get to the club 10 minutes earlier. The reason for this is although you waited until midnight to get to the club, you're concerned about the last few seconds of the night and must be forced out of the club only to hang out in the parking lot until 4 a.m. Here's an idea for you. Get there earlier. Yes, we know. You think that the parking lot is your last chance at any play and maybe you'll catch that waitress that was avoiding you all night. **News Flash** Most women don't care for drunks that hang out in parking lots until 4 a.m. It just has a ring of homelessness to it in the near future. Not attractive.
Spilled Drinks: You went to "accidentally" brush your elbow against my waitress' tit and you knocked over your own drink. Here again, there is no law that requires us to replace that for you. You bought it, you spilled it, and we hope you enjoyed doing it. Next time hold on with both hands.
Bar Stools: When you fall out of one, you're done. Don't try to mask it and fumble with the chair like it's broken. We saw you do it, everyone in the bar saw you do it and there is no other explanation than you're fucked up. Just admit it and have someone drive you home. (Refer to being cut off.)
The Coldest Beer You Got: Here's another myth. No bar I've ever even heard of keeps ONE REALLY COLD beer in the house that they hide away just in case someone says, "Give me the coldest beer you got". They are all pretty much the same temperature. Be careful here though. I may have some Old Mildookie iced down some just for this one guy in the near future.
Being Thrown Out: When you are thrown out of a club, don't turn around and say "Well I'm never coming back here again!” Uh, yeah, that's the point.
a.) Then those that have threatened to have their lawyer call, we always seem to miss their calls. Seems even the worst ambulance chaser on the planet isn't calling the bars to try to settle out of court on the "Threw my drunken client out of your bar and he wants $10 million" suit. Must have a bad win/lose ratio?
Graphitti: For some unknown reason, guys think they must write and pee at the same time. (Women are actually worse in the stalls.) But let me tell you once and for all that we do not, nor does anyone else, care that "Joe Bob was here." So were a million other dumbasses, but they didn't feel the need to write it on the wall. Do something constructive with that Sharpie and write, "I'm Joe Bob" on your head. That way, we ALL know you were there and who you are.
Standards: Don't be the guy that preaches about standards in the bar. Usually, that same guy is sitting next to the ugliest woman in the bar. Yes, he may have standards, but they are very low. If you ARE one of the guys that preach about standards and currently find yourself sitting next to swamp thing, I have a little motto for you to learn. "You don't need morals as long as you have standards. Yes, she may be a slut. But is she a GOOD LOOKING slut? That's what counts."
Telling Jokes: Jokes are only funny if you remember the punch line! Rehearse it if you need to before telling it and we suggest you try it on someone when you are SOBER. Please don't waste a few minutes of our lives by forgetting the freakin punch line. (This happens...all...the...time.)
Bar Staff Pee: Yes, that's right. They too have to pee. Why is it when anyone sees any of my staff in the restroom they seem shocked? When someone asks where their server is and are told they are in the restroom, why is that shocking to you? Would you rather them pee on the floor?
a.) When confronted by any of the staff in the restroom, please do not act as if you are meeting some kind of celebrity. We really don't want to shake your hand in the restroom.
Line Jumpers: These people obviously have wives that jump when they snap. They want their drink and they want it RIGHT NOW. Understand when you raise your hand at the back of the line that the only thing you are doing is giving the guy directly in front of you a good smell of your armpit. He doesn't appreciate it and it will actually slow service to you. If your wife moves that quickly at home, we would like to meet her sister.
a.) The Line Side Stepper: This guy actually has an IQ of over 96. The Line Side Stepper understands that he, who makes it to the actual bar first, wins. It's much like a race. Why stand in that long, single file line when you can easily step to the side of it where no one is standing and get your drink just that much faster?
b.) Waitress Wells: For reasons unbeknown to science, people feel the need to stand in the waitress well to order their drinks. And on occasion, they will actually try to direct the traffic of the bar staff towards the waitress well as if they don't believe a drink should be served over the bar at any other given point. If you have waitresses constantly bumping into you at the bar, chances are you got sucked into the waitress well magnet. Step aside.
Drink Specials: Yes, we know that free everything would be a GREAT special. And yes, we know that the club would be packed seven days a week if we all did that. But this is no high school kegger my friend, this is a business. And ready for the shocking part? We're in it to MAKE money. DOH! I said it. The secret's out! What have I done?
Don't Tell: Don't tell the bartenders how to mix drinks. They do it for a living. You do your job and drink and let them do theirs and make the drinks. It's when you start this that we start saying things like "Would you like avocado Schnapps in that? It's great with pineapple vodka." Trust me, we'll make "Mr. Expert " here a loser in no time flat. Don't be him. Just shut up and drink.
The Garnish Tray: It's not a buffet. Hungry? Order some food. But leave the limes, lemons and cherries alone. You don't see any plates around those things do you? Know why? Because it's not a fucking buffet you loser!
Don't Quote The Law: Believe it or not, most bar staff are well trained on the liquor and beverage laws of their own State. However, most people who drink in bars are misguided by what they think "The Law" states. It usually centers around some of the myths I have already mentioned but trust me when I tell you that no laws were broken when we wouldn't serve you the bottle of tequila and a straw on your birthday. No, we will not salt the rim of the bottle for you, and no, it's not a fucking buffet.
a.) Calling The Police: Every once in a blue moon, we have some Harvard Graduate that decides that because we cut him off, he is being discriminated against and calls the Police. I can't emphasize enough how bad of an idea this is. It may sound reasonable at the time, but this is a move you will most certainly regret in the morning when you wake to find yourself being spooned by "Bubba, the 300 pound prisoner raping monkey of drunk cell 367". Save your own ass, literally, and don't bother making that phone call.
When Are You Gonna Get a Real Job?: This is always laughable and my common reply is "when your real bank account is higher than mine." Listen, we don't ask when your wife is gonna learn to suck a good dick. Fact is she probably already is. It's just not YOUR dick that she's sucking well so you wouldn't know. Same thing. Most of these guys make a lot of money. Probably a lot more than you would like to think. So, next time you ask that question, your best bet is to ask them what they are currently driving. No, not the one they take to work, but the one in the garage. What's in the garage? (What? You think Patrick Swayze made that up?)
The Change Drop: The last thing you want to do to bar staff to make yourself look like a big shot is dump a handful of change into a tip jar and act like it's a lot of money. The guys behind the bar know its pocket change. Pennies just don't sound the same as quarters. And trust me, they don't want them.
Religion and Politics Fable: People always say, "Never discuss religion or politics at a bar". Those people don't hang out in bars. If they did, they would know that no one that hangs out in bars gives that much of a shit about either. We all find free beer and hookers a lot more interesting than any line of bullshit about politics or religion. You know what you don't talk about? You don't talk about fucking your neighbor's daughter at the bar. Because I just might be your fucking neighbor.
Match Games: Understand something. In any given busy club around the world, the staff has a billion things to do. You're just one of them. So when you tear up a whole matchbook and align them in any fashion and ask the staff to see if they can make a fish or a dog out of the matches in one move or less and the staff immediately give up on it, don't think you've just outwitted them. The point of fact is we just don't give a fuck to make a fish or dog out of all those matches you just tore up and would rather plead ignorance than play stupid games. We're too busy for that crap and you need a hobby.
Abusive Staff: Yes, from time to time, you may run into a staff member that is playfully abusive (actually all of mine are) towards you and think to yourself "Who in the fuck does that little bitch think she is?” Well, lemme tell ya. She's the one that keeps ya comin back for more. Yes, it's abuse. But it's PROFESSIONAL ABUSE. You have to pay for this stuff. You want ordinary run of the mill abuse? Go home to your wife. She's itching to tell you what an asshole you are. At least we give you beer when WE say it.